Film: "Great Grand Masti"; Director: Indra Kumar; Starring Ritesh Deshmukh, Vivek Oberoi, Aftab Shivdasani and Urvashi Rautela; Rating: 0 Stop right here. Veteran filmmaker Indra Kumar who never grew up -- at least, his cinema didn’t -- has the golden solution to the epidemic problem of rape in this country... masturbation. In a sequence that must have ranked as a highlight while scripting, a man stops a car in the middle of nowhere, orders the heroes to pleasure themselves at gunpoint... Not just once, but thrice. Exhausted and satiated, our three protagonists protest at the very thought of any more self-service. Satisfied the man with the gun shouts for his daughter: “You can get in the car with them now. They will drive you to the next village without harming you.” Women, we can assume, are safe as long as men use their hands for more than a handshake. But who is going to save mankind from a catastrophe like "Great Grand Masti"? A joke so poor and a comedy so feeble, it makes us reach for a helpline targeted at distressed movie audiences. Most of the film is set in a haunted haveli with an oomphy ghost performing a series of item songs. As they say, if life doesn’t kill you, Bollywood’s concept of 'sexy' will. The writers seem to derive much pleasure from talking about the erect male reproductive organ in various positions and strategies. Women heaving bosoms in space-challenged blouses are meant to be funny and erotic. Early in the film a woman visits Dr. Riteish Deshmukh (yes, he actually has a job beyond ogling and self-pleasuring) with her husband who has been bitten by a bee in his genitals. “Doc, could you do something so that the swelling remains?” she bats her eyelids coyly. Deshmukh looks stricken and swallows hard. Maybe he is thinking of what his children would think when they are old enough to watch the "Masti" series. (Can children disown their fathers?). "Great Grand Masti" has strangely been certified by the censor board for ‘Adults Only’. It’s one of the most infantile sex comedies in the hoary history of the genre in Indian cinema. The witless gags make you gag. The three heroes are at their best, horny imbeciles. At their worst (which occurs with annoying frequency), they are psychologically challenged dimwits whose mental faculties have not been able to grow in tandem with their libidos. As is the tradition” in the "Masti" series, the three heroes get no sex from their wives, for reasons that are so silly and embarrassing that they make you cringe at the thought processes that have gone into the scripting. In one sequence, Aftab Shivdasani’s screen sister-in-law gets into bed with him and swears she saw a mouse in the bed. Raat gayi, baat gayi! The trio of horny brainless heroes move into an abandoned haveli where a sex-starved ghost (Urvashi Rautela) chases them down to their boxer shorts. And then some more. Grow up, guys. The world has moved on since Indra Kumar made the first "Masti" movie 12 years ago. Youngsters, not even pubescent kids are scandalised by talk of private parts. I suggest Indra Kumar watches a music video for the web-series "Sex Chat with Pappu & Papa" title where a little seven-year old boy asks his father about condoms, homosexuality and masturbation. "Great Grand Masti" is stuck in a time-warp. Shockingly, the female actors are shown to participate in scenes where women’s body parts are likened to plots of land and real estate. Funny, how we vent so much time, energy and ire on Salman Khan for comparing wrestling to rape when the actual misogyny and smut are to be found in Bollywood ‘sex comedies’. "Great Grand Masti" is as sexy as watching two porcupines mating in the zoo. The people on screen may have fun. We will pass. Thank you.